Spiritual Milk

Hebrews 5:11-6:2

"About this we have much to say, and it is hard to explain, since you have become dull of hearing. ¹²For though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you again the basic principles of the oracles of God. You need
milk, not solid food, ¹³for everyone who lives on milk is unskilled in the word of righteousness, since he is a child. ¹⁴But solid food is for the mature, for those who have their powers
of discernment trained by constant practice to distinguish good from evil. ¹Therefore let us leave the elementary doctrine of Christ and go on to maturity, not laying again a foundation of repentance from dead works and of faith toward God, ²and of instruction about washings, the laying on of hands, the resurrection of the dead, and eternal judgment."

It's really hard for me when I read things like this sometimes. I know that there are many differences between this person and me, but there are many similar qualities too… I have been feeling this way for about a year. I feel like I should know so much more than I do. I have been saved for eight years now. Eight years! And I feel like there are still so many teachings I don't understand. I feel like the past half year especially, I have just felt really stuck. I don't know where to learn anymore, and I don't know how to grow here. I am not blaming anyone for the fact that I don't feel I have grown much of this time. I just desire so much more than I am getting. I feel like I have so much milk, and the milk is so good! But I really am dying to be on solid food, and to have more of it! I just don't know where to get it Maybe I am too critical (probably true). I just want a body that can pour into me… so I can in turn do the same, and be a solid vessel for my Lord and my God.

My friends have been such a blessing to me since I have been here at IU. I have my Hobart kids, Heather, Smudde, Lis, and the boy team (aka like Matt, Al, Brae and David). Without them challenge me, I have no idea where I would be… but that just doesn't seem to be enough anymore. We are all in the same place. I want to be more than just challenged… I want to be poured into. Sometimes I think about staying an extra year in Bloomington, but I don't think that is going to be the case. I am not sure what I'm gonna do yet, but I know I need somewhere to grow. I feel like the point where I am at is almost like I have hit a glass ceiling here. I even feel like I might even be sliding a bit backwards. I hate that. Like HATE it.

The Lord is good, and the Lord is sovereign. I am where I am supposed to be. One of my favorite missionaries of all time, Jim Elliot, once said, "Where ever you are, be all there." I definitely feel like I struggle with that from time to time. Right now is a pretty prime example of that. I am ready to move on to a different stage of life. I am ready to grow, and I am ready to start serving in a different way. Praise the Lord, for He is good. Pretty soon, I am going to have to be making some very important decisions with my life that very well could affect my life forever… I am not afraid of making the wrong decision. I don't believe I can do that. I just want to honor the Lord what little I have to offer him Him… My life. Without Christ, I have nothing. I am nothing. But He loves me J And His mercies make me new every day. I just can't wait to start the new chapter of my life. Who knows where it will be, and who will be in it!? All I know is it is going to be an adventure!

I like Adventures J

Encouragement

I was reading Hebrews 3 today, and one of the verses I read really hit me... Vs 13 says,

"But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called 'today,' that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin."

I started thinking about our culture a lot, even our culture as Christians. So what does it mean to "exhort?" I found several definitions for this online. Most of which said the same thing. It is to urge, advise, admonish urgently, to encourage, recommend, or warn someone (more a combination of these things than an individual thing).



We don't do this very often in our culture. The Lord has blessed me very much in whom I am close with. I have two sisters, a brother-in-law, and a few very close friends who never cease in encouraging, advising, and admonishing me when it needs to be done. Sadly, I am aware that most people, including Christians, do not have friends or family who are strong in this at all. I see so many people who are "hardened by the deceitfulness of sin" simply because A) no one will exhort them or B) They refuse to listen to those who actually do exhort them. I think both are equally as sad. Why have we lost this in our culture? Why, as Christians, do we feel like this is something that invades people's privacy or violates their rights? I can't even count the number of times either I or someone I know has rebuked someone and had them get angry or they respond by asking to "stop judging them." Why?! Seriously!? Why would anyone ever not want to see they are walking in sin if they are a follower of Christ? How has this become acceptable? How has this become desirable to walk in ignorance?

As a result, believes become hard and they fall in to even more sin. How tragic... And as a result of having rebukes and exhortations refused, people stop exhorting each other, resulting in all the more hardening. These our our brothers and sisters! We are watching them slip away and we do nothing... out of fear.

I am not saying I am perfect, oh no, please do not misunderstand me. I am a wretched sinner all the same as you. I am selfish, proud, a manipulator, a gossip, a deceiver, an adulterer, and the list goes on. I am so sinful... but I want to be better so badly. My sin physically pains me sometimes. But the more I sin, the more grace I see. And in my weakness, He is my strength. I will probably never stop sinning while I am here on this earth, but I will do my best to recognize my need for Christ everyday, and to grow in holiness, so that people can see Christ through me, and they may in turn follow the one who as made me this way. The creation is called to reflect the Creator.

So, friends, please do not be afraid to exhort one another, as we are called to do. Do not let yourself be hardened to the deceitfulness of sin, and slip farther away from the one who has called you. The more you grow, the more you realize how little you really know. I am far from humble, but the lessons I am learning are definitely a huge help! And PLEASE, rebuke me. :) I need a good rebuking often. :P

Love,
Mel

I am so ready for this semester to be over... that is all I have to say

A Spirit of Power and Self-Discipline

It's definitely been a while since my last post. It's been quite a busy last few weeks with my Nephew, Joshua, being born, and making three trips back and fourth from Maryland in three weeks. And my life has just been a little chaotic and confusing as a whole the last three weeks anyway. Needless to say, blogging turned into a less necessary thing.

Even now, this is still not going to be very long, just a quick update on life. Aside from all of the confusion, I love what the Lord is doing in my life, and I definitely feel myself drawing nearer to Him. It's been a hard semester, but trials always bring forth fruit. Praise God for that. More and more I feel I just have a burning desire to grow back in discipline. I think I went through a stage towards the end of the year last year and into last summer that I felt like I had been acting really legalistically about all of the things I was doing, so I guess instead of changing my heart, I just stopped doing them. Not a good idea if any of you all were wondering. I don't even think my heart really was legalistic about it, and I think I just freaked out because I thought it was. The bible commands that we "discipline ourselves for the purpose of godliness."(1 Timothy 4:7- NASB) I need to get back in that habit. Christ commands "Be holy, as I am holy." (1 Peter 1:16) The more I am around people who knows God's Word, and who speak it, the more I feel like it is amazing how they have all the answers and I don't. There is a reason they seemingly know everything. Because they have the Word of God stored up in their heart, so they are ready for any battle. I could site scripture after scripture, though not from memory, about why it is important to know the Word, but I still so often don't read it the way I should. I have developed a lot of bad habits... But I the Lord is my Shepherd. I should have not fear, because my path is strait, and the Lord is teaching me so much right now. It is very humbling to know how much more I need to grow, and how much more I want to do. The Lord has given me the power of self-discipline (2 Timothy 1:7), I just need to use what He has given me through His Spirit.

Considering how difficult this past semester has been for me as a whole in pretty much every way, I almost feel like I am starting all the way over... and I think that is a good thing honestly. I just need to reevaluate a lot. But the Lord has me, and I am not afraid :) I am trusting in His sovereignty to work all things for my good and His glory. College is coming to a close and I have a lot of big decisions to make, but again, for the first time, I am not afraid. I am just ready to do it, haha. Where ever I go, whatever I do, whoever I do it with, the Lord is still my Rock. God is good, and in Him I will have joy. What a wonderful promise. What a wonderful Savior.

God's will and Babies

What an incredible week. I can't even describe it. This is a picture of Jenny, Jace, and little baby Joshua!

My sister had a baby two days ago, and I got to watch. It was quite the process to get here (Maryland), but I made it back all the same! I even had about 7 hours to spare when I got here. Jenny's labor was about 21 hours long. She was exhausted to say the very least at the end. I know a lot of people think it's gross, but I really can't even describe to you what a miracle it is to see. I know it was exceeding painful, but I don't think I have ever had such a desire to have children and a family of my own, haha. Just watching Jenny and Jace together, and watching them hold their first little baby for the very first time. All the pain and suffering sort of melted away and she held her little baby Joshua. Oh my goodness, he is so cute! They are such amazing people. It was a little scary for a bit. When he was first born he wouldn't breath. He went without breathing for about 2 whole minutes. He is ok, they just had to show him how. : )

Other than the whole baby thing, life has been pretty wonderful. It's been hard, but wonderful. This past weekend with my sister and Jace was such an encouragement. I can't imagine what my life would be like without them. More and more, I am thinking about what I am going to be doing next year. I feel like I have been asking myself the wrong questions for a long time. So many people are always concerned about knowing God's will. Don't get me wrong, that's important, but it never had been like this before. People didn't used to have choices like we have. The picked an husband or wife from the dozen or so they had to choose from in their town. They worked for their families and supported them and cared for them. I am thankful that I have so many choices! But that also makes things much harder. I think it is so easy for people to be back and fourth about what the will of God is. They say that God called them to work for a year, then to Africa for a year, then China, then home to get married, then to marry someone, then God's will changes and you don't think it is to marry someone, then it is to move back to Indiana after you get married. I mean, I know all of those things can happen, but I feel like it is unlikely. I had a couple really good talks with Jenny and Jace about it this past weekend, and I am reading and amazing book called "Just Do Something: A Liberating Approach to Finding God's Will" by Kevin DeYoung. I feel like we are all just asking ourselves the wrong questions. Instead of being like, "well, I will just do this for a little while" or "who knows, I will do this while a wait to find out what God's will is." I think the questions should be, what can I do right now that is ultimately going to serve the kingdom in the most effective way possible. I know most people are probably most effective if they keep their feet planted, build into something, and see what doors the Lord opens from there. I don't know what I am going to do next year, but I feel like I am looking at it differently than I have been in the past. I have had a bit of an off year, and I don't know if I feel like it is wise for me to teach others next year. I have never been in a place where I just felt like I was growing and being challenged all the time. When I talked to Jace about it, he was really great. He told me he thought I should either move to Asia or move somewhere were I knew I could grow and be poured into. He sees a lot of wisdom in growing first, but it's also pretty obvious that I have a heart for the nations as well. God often uses the weak to lead the strong. We'll see. I just know once I make the decision all my heart is going into it.

I feel so blessed right now. Praise God, for He is so good my friends.

Painting Picture of Egypt

Facebook Melissa Murphy

Little Children

Have you ever shared the gospel with a little kid outside of Sunday school? I did for the first time today. I babysit for a Christian couple from ECC on Thursday evenings and Friday afternoons. The kids are good... most of time, but sometimes it can be pretty intense. James spent much of the afternoon rolling in the dirt and threw a huge FIT when I made him change his clothes. He refused to go. Eventually, I turned it into a game and I drug him to his room telling him I was teaching him to surf on wooden floors... : ) He hid under the bed for a while, but after I refused to talk to him for 2 minutes, he gave up and changed his clothes happily. Kids are bipolar sometimes, haha.

When I was helping him put on his shirt, he grabbed my cross necklace and asked me what it was. I told him a cross, and I asked him if he knew what that meant. He told me no. I told him Jesus died on the cross for his sins, and I asked him, "isn't that so good!?" He got really sad looking and fell back on the ground and was like, "No! I don't want Jesus to die!" I couldn't help but smile, it was really cute. Then I explained to him, "No, James, he died so that you don't have to. He died to save you, so that you could live. Do you want to live?" James quickly shot back, "Yes! I want to live! And be like mommy and daddy!" It was precious.

I love kids so much. :) I love that when you share the gospel with them. I love their hearts. I love that it is just that simple for them. Even just the way that I shared. I would never share with someone over the age of 5 like that, but why? That's what the gospel is isn't it? That's definitely the gospel I need to hear.

Challenges from the Lord

Last night was a really incredible night. I went out with Sarah and Braden last night. We went to this college ministry bond fire for Church of the Good Shepherd (CGS). It started off a little awkward, but I had a really good time. All of the people that I met there were so on fire for God. I haven't met many people with such a passion here at IU, especially within one congregation. Sarah and I got in a conversation with a couple of the guys we met there (I guess I met, Sarah knew them), and we ended up talking for almost two hours. Their hearts were incredible! It has serious been years since I have met people who had such burning passions for God and for His Word. That's when I realized something pretty big last night. I really feel like the reason I have felt so luke warm lately, is because I am just not being challenged enough. I came home last night feeling like all I wanted to do was pray and read the Bible, and this morning I feel rejuvenated for the Lord. I miss that kind of fellowship... I really do. I need that kind of fellowship. We all do. I know that church gets a bad rep. sometimes, but their hearts are really wonderful. They may seem pretty harsh sometimes, and they can be, but their hearts really are for the Lord. They are more like the, "Repent, the kingdom is at hand," kind of people. It's refreshing though. I'm very thankful for this night : )

I have the worst flipping insomnia ever! Why is no one else up at 2 in the morning on a Thursday?! And how does everyone else know how to shut their brains off when they want to go to sleep? Mine runs for hours.... (sigh). So now I am writing resorting to talking to a blog as opposed to a real person. : P Even my friends in China aren't on Skype and it is like 2 PM for them! I am oh so very bored....

I Feel Joyful : ) Oh, So Joyful!

It's funny. These past couple months I have been in a weird place. I wasn't like depressed or anything. I just wasn't full of joy all the time. It's harder when everyone around me tends to be a little depressed too.

Today my conversation partner from last year called. She's going to be baptized on November 1st. When I first met her last year, she was an atheist. She grew up in China, so she was never raised around religion. She' SO smart. She is getting ready to start a PhD program in the fall next year. I remember having conversations with her about God, and she always seemed really scared of the idea. I haven't talked to her at all this year, but I was one of the first people she called to invite me to her baptism. : ) Praise God! I feel like my heart is going to burst open I am so happy! Just think... now she can go back to China when she graduates, and tell her family and friends, and they can tell their families and friends, and they can tell here family and friends! Do you know how many of those people probably don't know the gospel? Probably a lot!!!!!

Friends, be praying for her. It took her a long time to make this decision, but I am pretty confident she is so joyful in finally having made it! Just pray for strength and wisdom, especially for when she returns to China. Love you all! And praise God! (sigh)

Love,
Mel

Let There Be Light, Lord

I feel something coming over me right now, and I have a feeling things are about to change.

How do I forget He is so good? My Father... How do I forget how much He loves me, and how do I forget that He has a plan for me? Sin. How I can't wait to be rid of it.

"For at one time you were in darkness, but now you are in the light of the Lord. Walk as children of light." - Ephesians 5:8

I Lift My Eyes to the Hills

Sometimes I get in these stages where I am really struggling. Rarely do I let myself fall the far, because I fight my bum off to make sure that I don't get there... that has proved a little more difficult the past month especially.

For me, misery does NOT love company. I feel like most people do, but I hate it. If I am depressed, I want tons of Spirit filled people pushing me forward, telling me to trust in my Savior, and to fight because I am not worth of the grace my father has given me. I haven't really had that support lately... don't get me wrong! I am not blaming the girls! Pretty much all of my closest friends are broken as well (with the exception of the engaged ones... but they are busy in the clouds, haha). Neither of these girls are wrong. I am SO happy for the girls getting married, and I am so broken for the girls loosing heart, but it has been so draining. I feel a little more drained every day... There are about four people who over the past three years I have always felt like I could go too. One is engaged, one is married, one is in broken, and one I don't really talk to anymore... this makes things a little difficult in terms of finding friends to seek council in. I am not the most trusting individual all the time, and I rarely ask for help when I am hurting, even when I really really need it... I sorta just shut down, because a) I don't want to burden anyone or b) I am to proud to speak.

My emotions are just running wild right now. I want so SO badly to be close to my Father, but I feel like I am just being drawn farther and farther away. There are so many prayer I feel have gone unanswered, and that makes me even more angry. Not at God though. At man. At certain people. There are so many lies I have just been fed over and over. This past week in particular, and I have just had to grint my teeth, close my eyes, and refuse to hear it. It's getting harder and easier at the same time. It is easier for me to be apathetic (therefore making things harder), but it's my desire is always to be with my Father. No matter the cost. I will sacrifice anything, if only He would just tell me what to do! I know I am weak right now, but I also know God is doing it for a reason. Endurance, character and hope, because though I was still weak, Christ died for me (Romans 5). I dunno what God is doing right now, but I do feel him building up strength in my heart, and where ever he leads me... it's gonna be good.

Please, just pray the Lord makes me more and more a child, so that I will have no choice but to crawl to him. Pray for wisdom, faithfulness, and steadfastness. Pray that I wouldn't be bitter or angry at the world or anyone in it. Pray for my sisters, and for my friends who also have found themselves lost in what God's will for their life is right now. Sadly, I feel like this list is growing and growing right now. Amost everyday I hear about a new sadness that is overcoming someones life. I really feel like there is something very not good going on in Bloomington right now, so pray against that too! Please. Most of all. Pray that God's will be done in each of our lives, because he knows so much better than us what is good. Thanks brothers and sisters. Be blessed.

In the precious name of Christ,

Melissa

My Family

This weekend didn't exactly go as I would have hoped. For once, I finally missed home. I really wanted to come home, and share with my parents everything that was going on in my life. I haven't been so good about keeping them updated. Usually, I only want to stay like a day in Yorktown, and then I come back to Bloomington because I don't want to stay there any longer. This time I actually had the opportunity to leave after a day and I opted not to. I wanted to stay with my family longer... maybe not the best of all decisions. Last night my dad and I had a really good conversation, though. We talked about creation, and what I believed. I got to share with him a lot about why I have faith and about my convictions on the creation of the world. It probably encouraged me about as much as it encouraged him, haha. It's sorta been down hill since Friday night though. I think this morning set off a chain reaction or something. Maybe it was just because I am sensitive, I don't know. I few comments were made this morning (not by my parents) that made me feel really insecure and upset, and it was pretty much downhill from that point.

My relationship with my parents is crazy. I love my dad, so much, but he so does not understand me at all, haha. I told him about how I planned on teaching English overseas next year, and how I was almost 100% that that would be the case. Of course, he just smiled and laughed, telling me it was silly and changing the subject. We didn't really talk about anything of value from that point on.

Sarah came home, and we went to my moms. I immediately tried to tell my mom about my recent breakup (because I knew I had waited to long to tell her), at which point she became very passive aggressive. Sarah had already told her, and she was furious that I didn't tell her sooner. She wouldn't listen at all to what I had to say or why I waited so long to tell her. She just walked past me and said, "whatever, you don't have to tell me anything." Over and over. We got in a fun little talk about marriage (how unusual!) at dinner and engagement rings (both sarah's and my mom's old ring). My mom likes rings that stick up, so does sarah, and I added that I liked them too, but I might want a flat ring that just had small diamonds along the side when I get engaged. My mom quickly added, "well, you have to keep a man long enough before you can get married Melissa." Nice mom, ouch. If her goal was to shut me up for the rest of the night, it worked. I feel like wer are back into the stage where she is telling me I am never going to get married again (such a happy place to be). I knew she was upset that I didn't tell her about the breakup, but I wasn't trying to keep anything from her. I just wasn't ready to talk about it yet... The rest of the night was filled with short, unloving comments from both of our ends. And I do mean all night. We should never play competitive games together... I cannot hand it... I told her about Asia too, she proceeded to tell me I knew nothing about Asia or the world and I always made stupid mistakes (ex. me buying a purse illegally on accident in China), but she seemed to be ok with me leaving. Sarah told her she wanted to come with me, and my mother quickly jumped to defense, telling her that she wasn't allowed to leave. Definitely not what she said when I told her I wanted to leave the country... which sort of makes me want to leave the country more...

I feel very run down tonight. Very tired, and very sad. I really do wish I had a better relationship with them. I do love them, and I know I should try harder... but that's just it... it's really hard sometimes. For some reason, I always take the bulk of the taunting and the crap in my family, and I always seem to be the one left out. Even in family conversation. The only things we talk about are marriage and babies... guess what? I don't really relate to either right now!

I am ready to go home...

Sometimes I wonder if it would be better for me to live in America, and close to home because of them. I really do wish I had a better relationship with my parents... and being halfway around the world isn't going help at all. So, I guess just be praying for discernment, and for me to let go of some bitterness that I have. I really do what to love them better. I almost feel like the reason I distance myself from them is because I know I can never live up to their expectations, and it makes me angry because that makes me feel inadequate. I can never be Sarah or Jenny... and I don't want to be! But I think I just completely jump ship to keep myself from feeling unloved. I think the bitterness that comes with feeling like my parents don't accept me manifests itself in bitter comments, angry, tears, basically just a horde of not good ways. But really, I should but looking to God for all of this. If there is one massive thing I struggle with, it is putting my inadequacies before God and loving Him for what He has made me anyways. I don't cast my cares on Christ, and that is why my burdens feel so dang heavy sometimes... So, thanks for your prayers friends. I am not like in the pit of depression right now or anything. I am just tired of this having gone on for 22 years. I would love your prayers. Thanks, friends.

Love,
Mel

Dinosaurs... explain this one evolutionists....

YouTube - Dinosaurs and the Bible #8: Red Blood Cells

What the heck...

Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, and lean not on your own understanding...

Recently, I have been really bad about being faithful. I have not been good about praying regularly, or reading regularly, or even just loving God regularly. I really don't know what is wrong with me. It is not that I have anything that I feel is pushing me away from God right now (except for perhaps time), I don't feel angry with Him, and I want to be nearer to him. I am just not exactly sure how this is all going to work out.

I have blogged about how I feel like this might be a time God is turning His back to me, not because He doesn't love me (clearly, He gave His son for me), but because there is something He is trying to teach me. I know I need to be listening. I know, I know, I know! But I just don't! The future is approaching so quickly, but I am two busy figuring it out to sit down and listen. I just want to trust God for what is best, and stop trying to do everything on my own. No wonder I am so tired all the time! I have been carrying all my burdens on myself, instead of casting them to God, because he cares for me. It doesn't have to be this hard, but my worldly desires are really trying to manifest themselves right now.

I was reading 1 Samuel 3 today, and it really spoke to my heart. The first few chapters of Samuel are about Hannah birthing Samuel and offering him to the Lord, and about Eli and his sons. Eli's sons are evil men, even though Eli is a faithful servant, and the Lord hates their sins. Chapter 3 is about Samuel being called to by God. Samuel doesn't realize it is God until Eli tells him to call out to God and tell the Lord he is listen, speak. When Samuel finally listens to the Lord, God gives him a prophecy. He is going to kill all the descendants of Eli, because of their sins and blaspheming. The next morning, Eli asks Samuel to tell him everything he had heard from God, and to hide nothing, so Samuel tells him. Eli's response is, "It is the Lord, let him do what seems good to him." (vs.18)

Wow. God is going to kill all of his children, and he still trusts the Lord is doing what is best. I don't really have a story like that. I don't feel like God is taking anything away from me, or depriving me of anything I deserve. I just feel distant. But I know my God is faithful, and my God is good. Please be praying for me. Even in my lack of all emotion right now, I still do desired to be held by my Father. I desire to please him, to love him, to serve him, and to be near to him. I just don't know how to do that right now...

Just trust him, and be patient that what he is doing in me is good.

It is.

Love,
Mel

YouTube - Brandon Heath - Give Me Your Eyes

YouTube - Brandon Heath - Give Me Your Eyes

I was reading a blog of one of my friends from high school today, I just came across it on an old Xanga account I used to have back then. We don't really talk anymore, but his entries broke my heart. He hates his life, and he isn't afraid to tell the world just how much he despises the person he has become. His blogs even talk about how much he longs for death. I don't know who these people are, but he is always talking about 2 people who's love he has lost. He feels like he has nothing now, and never will, because of it.

So many people live their lives like this. So many people long to give in and let the pain of this world end, but I walk past them everyday never knowing. I never do anything. I know I can't save the entire would, but I can at least love them. I wish I could see people the way God sees them. I wish my heart broke for them the same way, and longed for them the same way. I wish that I could love people enough to always be prepared, in season and out, to share the only hope there is in life, the gospel. But I don't... I'm not... and it breaks my heart that my heart is not always breaking! It's a vicious cycle.

Today... yay God!

Some pictures from the game tonight/comedy club a few weeks ago


Heather-bear, Kiki, and I at the game. Love them : )

Kristi and I after we got back from the Comedy Club. Isn't Kiki so purdy?

This guy was also no photographer...

TODAY
I went into Brown County today with my roommate. It was wonderful! I have never been there before. We went to all of these little shops with a ton of little trinkets and fun things. Kristi and I decided it would be like a perfect date place to just walk around and talk. There are a ton of little ice cream shops and coffee houses too. They had blueberry tea, my FAVORITE! There are so few coffee places (or even stores) that sell blueberry tea! SO EXCITING! We actually only ended up buying some candles, but still really fun.

We went to a game tonight too. It has been a really long time since I have been to a game. Freshman year actually, but that was really fun too. I am definitely going to have to make it back out to another game before the year is out. I can't believe school is almost over for me. It's crazy!

It's was sort of a funny day. I had an epiphany while I was in Brown County. Usually, I am all about being done with school. The homework thing and the class thing, not my strongest passion, not gonna lie. But lately, I have been really scared. There has been a lot of fear holding me back. But as I was walking around, I got really excited. I still have no idea what kind of thing I will be doing when I graduate, or where I will be, or who I will be doing it with, but I know it is going to be an adventure! I am excited to start a new stage of life, and become an adult. Plus, I think it will be super fun to buy little trinkets from shops for my house.... and cute Christmas aprons (Elisabeth, don't judge me). The weird part is, although I am excited, I love where God has put me right now. That's pretty unusual for me. Usually, I am anticipating my future soooo much that I forget about my present. I love IU. I love my friends. I love the fall (though it mean the horrendously terrible winter is coming). I even love this country (shocking, I know)! I love the life that God has given me, and the way He is growing in me. I need to be living the way He wants me to be living, and I am finally willing to sacrifice anything to become the woman He desires me to be. I've always had something I wouldn't let go off, but I think I am finally willing. I know I have a long way to go, and I know I will have so many valleys to deal with in my life, but right now I think it's just time to wait and see and to enjoy the love my Father is so graciously lavishing upon me. Waiting and seeing... not something I generally love doing, but for some reason, I actually really want to! I want to just sit, close my eyes, and wait to see what the future holds. In the mean time, I want to do great things right where I am.

Weirdly enough, I am not on a spiritual high at all right now. As a matter of fact, I feel strangely emotionless a lot of the time, but I have joy. I can see God in so many things, but I think God is demanding my faithfulness despite the lack of tingly Spirt highs. He is doing these things because He loves me, and I am learning so much.

I feel like I have a new dream even every few nights. I don't know how many of you are into dream interpretation, but I really think they mean something. Every few nights I have a dream the reveals to my heart another insecurity I need to hand to the Lord, or another battle that needs to be fought. Apart from God I can do nothing, but the Joy of the Lord is my strength and I can do nothing apart from Him. Even more so, through this, I feel He is drawing me nearer to Him.

Grace and peace, brother and sisters.

Love,
Mel

Random Reflections

What a weird day. Maybe it is because I am so tried. It all seems to have blurred together. I feel like today almost never really began. Weird feeling, and I don't really like it.

You ever get in those moods when nothing seems to affect you? I think that is the best way to describe my day... I felt very emotionless... maybe that is because I am usually SO emotional, but I wasn't. I have just been really content with the way things are. I am just praying it is more me relying on God so I don't need to be super emotional, and not me shutting down. Time will tell!

I am going to Brown County tomorrow with my roomie and I am SO excited! I am going to the football tomorrow too. Not so excited about that, but it is about time. I am a Hoosier! I should care! I just don't really, haha. Kristi really wanted to go though, and I should, so I am going to!

Ok, now I am tired. BE BLESSED!

Love,
Mel

My God is Good!

So, as some of you know, I have had a pretty intense past month. It has all been pretty hard. I have been really confused and fearful of a lot of it, and most of it was just being concerned about what the future holds for me. A few days ago, my roomie and I decided we were going to make some radical changes in order to draw nearer to God. I dunno what I would do without her : ) God has blessed me a lot to have someone along side me this who time. I know it's all in His plan, I just haven't figured out what that is yet!

Things has been so good the past three days though. So good! I don't feel like I am out of the trial, that is for sure, but I have something that I haven't really had the past few weeks... hope. And not like hope for a particular event, hope in God's provision and the knowledge that my Father is always with me. He will never leave me, nor will He forsake me. Maybe God does test faithfulness, and that is what He is doing right now. I am not really sure. All I know, is that I have hope... and it feels good. ;)

Like I said, the biggest thing I have been worried about it my future. Not any one particular thing, but everything. What am I supposed to do when I graduate college? Will I ever get married? What if I don't want to be a missionary if I don't get married? Is that wrong? What if I want to start over and be away from everyone? Is that ok? Or is that just fear? So many question, and I am about to make so many decisions for my future soon. I feel like I am just waiting for the Lord to tell me what to do, but here is what I have been thinking:

I don't think it always works like that.

For example, the bible say that Paul thinks it is better to not get married, but he who marries does not sin (1 Corinth 7:28). Therefore, I don't think God necessarily "calls" us to marry anyone. This is not to say that God is not sovereign, or omnipotent, but I do think He lets us choose. I think once we make that decision, we must follow it fully, and honor that decision until the day that we die. Yes, it will be harder, but it will be filled with a whole set of different joys, trials, and ministries. I often hear people talking about like dating websites or so called "wife/husband hunters" and how those people really aren't trusting in God to provide for them. I disagree. I think it's a decision, not different than an arranged marriage (which was often done in the bible). It is not necessary to wait always. Paul says if your desire is to get married, get married. It's your decision. God let's you choose. God made woman for man, as His helper. Marriage is a pretty necessary part of life for most people, though not all. I am not saying I am going to jump on ChristianMingle.com and find myself a missionary husband tomorrow or anything. I am just saying that I don't understand all the negative connotations.

The reason I state that is to farther explain what I have been thinking about when it comes to the future. What if it isn't always about a calling. Don't get me wrong, I know some people have callings. I know I have a calling. But I don't think that means that we always get this explicite sign of what we need to be doing. For example, I know I am supposed to do missions someday. I don't know when, and I don't know where, but I know I am supposed to do it. So when I graduate, what am I supposed to do? Move to China? Move to indy or chicago or philly and get a job and pay off some loans. Go teach english with some friends in Taiwan, Korea or Japan? Heck if I know! Obviously I am praying, but I think it is ultimately going to end up being my choice.

I feel like so many people often make choices and spend there time wondering if they made the right choice. I feel like there are a couple questions to ask. Are you sinning in what you are doing? No. Can you bring glory to the Kingdom of God while you are here and do it with all of you heart? Yes. Then why does it matter. Jim Elliot (my hero) said once, "wherever you are, be all there." We are called to do all for the glory of God (1 Corinthians 10:23), but I don't think it allways so cut and dry waht that is. I think I have to make a decision soon about my future, but I dunno that it's a calling. I think I need to decide, and when I decide, I need to be all there, and when I am there, I need to do everything for the glory of my Father. That is what I intend to do. I will not turn back in wonder. I will trust in the Lord, prayerfully, and be all where I have chosen to go. Again, I am still praying and hoping for an answer... but ultimately, I just want to love God whever I am.

I have so much comfort in that. I know that I am a child of my Father, and He delights in me. He has chosen me, and He has set me apart. He is still completely sovereign, and He knows the choices I will make, so when I do them, I need to honor that.

I'll keep you updated ; ) Still praying and seeking! Don't stop praying for me! I can feel them moving : ) I really do love you all so much! I have such wonderful friends!

Love,
Mel

Be Blessed

Brothers and sisters,

God is so faithful. Trust and pursue Him always. Do whatever it takes. He never fails.

(sigh) It's so good to get a new heart. : )

Grace and peace.

Love,
Mel

Poem/Psalm

I hear His voice whispering,
"Child, you are mine."
The Lord of Hosts he is called,
The Holy One of Israel, my Maker.

Though pain and trail are near,
so is my Lord.
He will never leave me
nor will he forsake me.

I am blessed beyond measure,
for he has called me by name.
Set apart from the moment
I was spoken into existence.

To my knees I will fall and I cry out to the Lord,
"Father, hear my plea!"
But the Lord is near,
the Lord is here.

"Fear not, for I am with you.
Fear not for I am your God."
I will trust in the God of my salvation
and I will praise His name forever.

Glory be to the Lord of all creation!
To the King eternal.
Let your light shine through me
that the world may see you are God.

You are the first and the last,
the beginning and the end.
Bring peace to my heart,
be the lamp to my path.

Through you, I am made perfect
you are my shield, in whom I trust.
I will stand my ground
I will wait for my Father.

The Discipline of My Father

Today has been a pretty good day for me. I have struggled a lot recently. I have had a lot of ups and downs. Some days I trust in the Lord with all of my heart, I hand my struggles to Him, and I fight like crazy to remain by His side. Other days, I just give up. I wine, and cry, I do nothing to prevent or fight the struggle. I'm not being hard on myself. I know that not everyone can always be super strong willed, and always trust that God's plan is the right plan. I have even resorted to getting angry with people I don't even know on my bad days. I was mad a Elisabeth Elliot yesterday actually... yea... how rediculous is that? I don't even want to explain why.

I just want to start this entry by saying that I have no idea if I am right, this is just something that I have been thinking about. Today I came across a passaged that sort of hit me really hard from the book of Isaiah. My friend, Mike O, sent me another passage from the new testiment that says relitively the same thing... and it really got my mind churning.

"For your maker is your husband,
the Lord of hosts is his name;
and the Holy One of Isreal is your Redeemer,
the God of the whole earth he is called.
For th eLord has called you like a wife deserted and grieved in spirit,
like a wife of youth when she is cast off,
says your God.
For a brief moment I deserted you,
and with great compassion I will gather you.
In overfollowing anger for a moment
I hid my face from you,
but with everlasting love I will have compassion on you,"
Says the Lord, your redeemer." ~ Isaiah 54:5-8

AND

"'My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord,
nor be weary when reproved by Him.
For the Lord disciplines the ones He loves,
and chastises every son whom he recieves.'

It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treated you as sons. For what son is there whom this father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitmate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers whoe disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of the spirits and live? For they disciplined us for our short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. For a moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peacefrut of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. Therefore lift up your drooping hands and strngthen your weak knees, and make stait the path of your feet so that what is lame may not put out the join but rather be healed" ~ Hebrews 12:3-12. Amen.

I started thinking about the discipline of the Lord, and I put these two passages together. God loves me, I know that, but what if God uses turning his face from me for my good? What a concept. I started thinking to myself, why would God ever do that?! Why would he abandom me if he loves me... But, really, I grow the most when I have to trust that God is there dispite the fact that I feel as though he has turned his face from me. I know this is going to be a substantial time of growth for me. Over the past 9 months, God has really just been breaking down my pride and teaching me to love people. He has taught me so much more about what it means to have a gentle and quiet spirit. He used a good friend to help me a lot with that too. But now that I am struggling, I feel like I am learning even more so what that means.

I don't know what the discipline of God looks like, but I know I am in it now. God is trying to teach me, so I need to pick up my stupid drooping hands and lift them to the Lord of lords. God is making me the woman he wants to be. Full of passion and love for people, and full of ways to be blessed beyond measure.

I am afraid right now. I have no idea what to do about anything. I'm afraid of what the future holds. I am afraid of loneliness. I am afraid of failure. I fear many things, but the Lord is with me. I will lift my eyes unto the hills, because my help comes from the Lord alone (Psalm 121:1-2). Thank you for your prayers everyone. They have helped immensly. Praise the Lord!!!!

Lots of love.

Hugs,
Mel

Chinese Characters

This is something pretty cool! Take a look!

www.wbschool.org/Chinese.swf

Ready to Run

Do you ever feel like you wish you could leave everything you have ever known and start over again? I do. Let me elaborate. When I am scared, or when I am hurt, my tendency is to shut down from everything, even from my own heart. I can't connect with it, and I can't understand it. It's a battle to open up the gates again, and not just to others, but even to myself.

I've been back and for recently. I feel so at peace sometimes, and so closed up sometimes. Right now, I just want to leave. I want to pack a bag, move to the other side of the country (or the world), and start over. Start over in a place where no one knows me, and no one has any preconceived notions of who I am, or what I should be. If they don't have any preconceived notions about how I should act, how could I fail them? How could I be inadequate? My roommate and I can both get like this. The thing is... it wouldn't be hard for either of us. We know we could do it, and we could do it with ease. Sometimes we think it is a blessing the we can feel like this, sometimes a curse. Not tell a single person, not a single friend, boyfriend, even family member in the world we were leaving. Just abandon everything, and start over... because it's easier to forget than fight...

I know this is wrong, and I know it's a lie. It is selfish, and I am living in fear. And don't get me wrong, I love my friends and family more than anything. It's my fear. That is why I am confessing it, because I really do feel it deeply. I know I have learned so much over the past few years, and I know that I have had to struggle like this through a lot of it. I know God is calling me to fight now, and fight hard... but I just don't want to anymore. Please be praying guys. I am not a very strong person, but "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." I know it is true, I am just really struggling with believing it right now I've been fighting a winning battle most of the semester, but I am afraid it is taking a turn... I can't let it. I won't. I feel so drained, and so weak, but there is no reason I should have no strength. The strength is not my own, so it should never diminish.

So, that is how I feel right now. Again, please be praying for me and my roommate. We need it.

Be blessed.

Melissa

PS. Side note. I left midway through this message to pick up my roommate (the struggling one), her car was broken down. She had already had a really hard day, so I went to get her. On our way home... my car broke down... so we waited until someone helped me get it off Union St, then picked a THIRD person to come pick us up after making a copious amount of calls. I am now finally home, and I have found yet another reason to wallow in self pity. Please, pray.

Like a Child

I have felt a little bit funny this whole semester. I have had this ongoing battle of devotion and apathy. It's been pretty horrible. Some days, I am SO on fire for the Lord. Other days, I feel like I am battling whether or not I even believe. I think that is the worst feeling in all the world. It isn't a fearful feeling to me. I am not afraid of death, at least not really. It's a feeling of total and utter emptiness. Why? There are two reason.

1) Laziness. It is so much easier to sit around feeling sorry for myself and for my struggles than it is to actually confront the situation and choose to have faith despite the struggle. "Be strong in the Lord and in his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you might be able to stand against the schemes of the devil." (Ephesians 6:10-11 ESV) I so rarely use this armor. I it on my bed and pray, but I am so seldom ready for battle. A warrior should have no fear, for he serves the king and knows that his cause is noble. After all, imagine the armor of God? How glorious and perfect is it? All I need to do it put it on. I need to recognize it ever day. "Our battles are not against flesh and blood, but against rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness and spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places." (vs. 12) So what is our armor? How do I use it? Along side the only weapon we have. The Sword of the spirit. The Word of the Living God.

The Belt of Truth: "For I am the Lord your God the Holy One of Israel, your Savior... Before me there was no god formed, nor will there be after me. I am the Lord, and besides me there is no savior." (Isaiah 43:3&11) AND "The fool says in his heart, "There is no God." (Psalm 14:1)

The Breastplate of Righteousness: "Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and these things will be added to you." (Matthew 6:33) Just believe. "And he believed the Lord, and he counted it to him as righteousness." (Genesis 15:6)

The Shoes of Readiness and the Gospel of Peace: How can you run a race without shoes? :) "Let us run with endurance the race that has been set before us" (Hebrews 12:1) Be ready. "Preach the Word; be ready in season and out of season; reprove, rebuke, and exhort, with complete patience and teaching. For a time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves to suit their own passions." (2 Timothy 4:2,3)

The Shield of Faith: "Faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we don't see." (Hebrews 11:1 NIV) What the heck, just read all Hebrews 11! - This is so "we can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one." (Ephesians 6:16)

The Helmet of Salvation: "If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord, and believe in your heart the God raised him from the dead, you will be saved." (Romans 10:9). And we have assurance of salvation. "Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promise of the Holy Spirt, who is a deposit guaranteeing your inheritance unto the redemption of those who are God's possession." (Ephesians 1:13)

And The Sword of the Spirit: "For the Word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of the soul and spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart." (Hebrews 4:12) SWEET.

We are also called to pray in the Spirit at all times, with all prayer and supplication. "To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints"

Wooh, that was a mouthful to talk about laziness. Moving on:


2) I can be this way because Satan knows just how to get us here at IU. Knowledge. Whoever thought knowledge wasn't always a good thing? I read a verse today in Isaiah that really hit me:

"Your wisdom and your knowledge led you astray,
and you said in your heart,
'I am, there is no other besides me.'" (Isaiah 47:10 ESV)

That is so me sometimes... Academia... ya, not so approving of the God thing. Often professors ever label the Bible as a "fable" or "tall tale" in many classes. Christ is a huge part of history, but definitely not the savior of the World. That would be foolishness in academia. Don't get my wrong. I am not saying at all the knowledge is always bad! It is a wonderful blessing, but it has some definite drawbacks. Solomon says, "For in much wisdom is much vexation, and he who increases in knowledge, increases in sorrow." (Ecclesiastes 1:18) The more we learn about the world, often times, the less we trust the God created it. Evolution and the Bible don't match up. Sorry, friends. I listen to what all these incredibly intelligent people say and I question what I have seen with my own eyes. The miracles of my God. I fear man, but "what can man do to me?" (Heb 13:6) I have the Lord.

That why God calls us to come one way, and one way only. As children.

"Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like a child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven." (Matthew 18:3,4 ESV)

Stop over thinking everything! Trust in the Lord! Use His precious and inerrant Word, use his Holy Spirit that he has sealed you with, "trust in the Lord with all of your heart, and lean not on your own understanding!" Trust God to provide. Step out in faith so God can provide, and your faith will be built up as well. Praise God. :) Be calm. Have peace. If you do these things. I promise you will see God if you persevere, and I do not promise things lightly anymore...

Be blessed, brothers and sisters!

His,
Melissa

PS. Don't think I am so cool cause I know all these scriptures. I couldn't remember where 90% of them were, haha. : )

Book

I think I am going to write a book again. : ) Not because I am a great writer, or because I am an excellent editor (as I am sure you can all see), but because I love it, and because I need a way to get all the passion inside my body out someway. Sometimes I feel like I have so many emotions inside of me that I might, quite literal, explode. It's a wonderful, yet very stressful feeling. I praise God that I have so much passion... sometimes I just don't know what to do with it all!

Anyone else have that problem?

Song

So I wrote this song a long time ago. It sorta looks like a poem too so I thought I would share it. I feel like it is one of the ways for me to discribe how I feel when I have sort of walked away from God's will. Aka, when I don't feel God.

I don't feel like I have walked away from God or anything, but I do feel like this song really discribes the process I always go through when I am struggling. It is probably better when I sing it.... but then again, maybe not : P Here it is anyone. Maybe it will bless you all the same way it blesses me when I sing it! : )

Here am I

Lord, what have I forgotten?
Lord, where has my heart flown?
I've abandon you who saved me.
Now I stand here... alone.

I've made it seem so perfect.
The life I play each day.
But deep down inside, my sins provide
the shackels and the chains.

Which bind my heart to hatred,
and makes me cling to fear.
To hide deep within the darkness
wishing I would disappear.

Lord, won't please walk beside me.
Oh, again Lord, I've lost my way.
And I know you can provid me
a joy you'll never take away.

Oh, create in me a new heart
Pure and white as snow
and now within my own heart
I would never choose to go.

Oh, sovereign God of Jacob
you've washed this sins that cloth
Your arms stay wrapped around me.
I am forever, forever home.

Father, show me how to please you.
Let me serve you all my days.
I never could have asked for
the light you gave to show the way.

And as I close my eyes I see you
I see you nailed upon the cross.
You died so truth could shine through
To show this gain is but my loss

You've asked, "Whom shall I send now?"
Father, this is my reply.
"Here I am, my Savior."
Send me... Let me try.

Daddy... here am I.

It's not very long for a song, and it is all in minor key (those of you who know probably think I am a little gothic since it is the only key I really write it, haha), but it's from my heart. Hope you like it.

Jeremiah 17:5-10

I am clearly not a very good blogger, I’ve only done it like three times in a year, but recently have had more of a desire to do it. These past few days I have been struggling a little bit to understand God's will. What is God's will? How can we know God's will? And if so, what if I am too afraid to actually do what it is God is willing me to do? What if I don't want to do it? ...I've been afraid... and I have been disobedient. My heart is very deceitful, and I have run from what the Lord has been calling me to do. Brothers and sisters, I think this is the first time in my life I have ever desired the intimacy with God that I desire now. I want to be alone all the time, I want to pray all the time, I want to listen all the time, and I want to read His word all the time... It's only been three days, but I feel like I have grown more in my understand of God's will for me in the past three days than I did the entire summer.

This summer broke me because of the faithlessness. I put no hope in God. I wanted to. Oh, I wanted to so badly, but it was almost like I had forgotten how. I started just going with the motions. I knew I was struggling, but I didn't know how to make it better. But then something happened a few days ago that took my from my arbitrary wandering, and finally knocked me to my knees. Praise God for that! I needed it desperately. I needed a reason to put my hope in God again. I needed a reason to feel like all I could do was pray, and pray, and pray.

Today, I was in my sisters room praying, and doing my best to listen for God’s voice. He told me how much loved me and how much he wanted to be with me. I struggle a lot with feelings of never being good enough, but when those thoughts came to my mind I just heard the Lord asking, “Did I not make you?” “Did I not make you exactly as I meant to? With a Purpose? With a heart? Set apart for great things?”- Yes, Lord, you did… Then I felt Him telling me to open a Bible, and there just so happened to be one right beside me that I had not noticed. : ) When I opened the bible, it was Jeremiah 17:5-10 that drew my eye in. It was the first thing I read. The only thing I read.

5Thus says the LORD,

"Cursed is the man who trusts in mankind

And makes flesh his strength,

And whose heart turns away from the LORD.

6"For he will be like a bush in the desert

And will not see when prosperity comes,

But will live in stony wastes in the wilderness,

A land of salt without inhabitant.

7"Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD

And whose trust is the LORD.

8"For he will be like a tree planted by the water,

That extends its roots by a stream

And will not fear when the heat comes;

But its leaves will be green,

And it will not be anxious in a year of drought

Nor cease to yield fruit.

9The heart is more deceitful than all else

And is desperately sick;

Who can understand it?

10"I, the LORD, search the heart,

I test the mind,

Even to give to each man according to his ways,

According to the results of his deeds.

Let the Lord search your hearts. What are you keeping from Him? Your life? I was. I was questioning everything. Even the calling I know the Lord has placed on my life since I was 14 years old. God commands ever day of my life, and He commands it all… because He gave it all. Anything less than everything isn’t quite enough… So that is what the Lord is teaching me right now.

I know the Lord has put a call on my life as a missionary. I’ve tried to escape it a few times… including this summer, but he never lets me. I return to this spot again and He asks me, “What will you give up to fill my will? Everything? Your friends? Your family? A husband to serve with you?” I pray that when the time comes, I can answer yes to all of those questions if it is the will of my God... I just keep reminding myself. He commands everything.

He deserves everything.

Grace and peace be with you all.