My Family

This weekend didn't exactly go as I would have hoped. For once, I finally missed home. I really wanted to come home, and share with my parents everything that was going on in my life. I haven't been so good about keeping them updated. Usually, I only want to stay like a day in Yorktown, and then I come back to Bloomington because I don't want to stay there any longer. This time I actually had the opportunity to leave after a day and I opted not to. I wanted to stay with my family longer... maybe not the best of all decisions. Last night my dad and I had a really good conversation, though. We talked about creation, and what I believed. I got to share with him a lot about why I have faith and about my convictions on the creation of the world. It probably encouraged me about as much as it encouraged him, haha. It's sorta been down hill since Friday night though. I think this morning set off a chain reaction or something. Maybe it was just because I am sensitive, I don't know. I few comments were made this morning (not by my parents) that made me feel really insecure and upset, and it was pretty much downhill from that point.

My relationship with my parents is crazy. I love my dad, so much, but he so does not understand me at all, haha. I told him about how I planned on teaching English overseas next year, and how I was almost 100% that that would be the case. Of course, he just smiled and laughed, telling me it was silly and changing the subject. We didn't really talk about anything of value from that point on.

Sarah came home, and we went to my moms. I immediately tried to tell my mom about my recent breakup (because I knew I had waited to long to tell her), at which point she became very passive aggressive. Sarah had already told her, and she was furious that I didn't tell her sooner. She wouldn't listen at all to what I had to say or why I waited so long to tell her. She just walked past me and said, "whatever, you don't have to tell me anything." Over and over. We got in a fun little talk about marriage (how unusual!) at dinner and engagement rings (both sarah's and my mom's old ring). My mom likes rings that stick up, so does sarah, and I added that I liked them too, but I might want a flat ring that just had small diamonds along the side when I get engaged. My mom quickly added, "well, you have to keep a man long enough before you can get married Melissa." Nice mom, ouch. If her goal was to shut me up for the rest of the night, it worked. I feel like wer are back into the stage where she is telling me I am never going to get married again (such a happy place to be). I knew she was upset that I didn't tell her about the breakup, but I wasn't trying to keep anything from her. I just wasn't ready to talk about it yet... The rest of the night was filled with short, unloving comments from both of our ends. And I do mean all night. We should never play competitive games together... I cannot hand it... I told her about Asia too, she proceeded to tell me I knew nothing about Asia or the world and I always made stupid mistakes (ex. me buying a purse illegally on accident in China), but she seemed to be ok with me leaving. Sarah told her she wanted to come with me, and my mother quickly jumped to defense, telling her that she wasn't allowed to leave. Definitely not what she said when I told her I wanted to leave the country... which sort of makes me want to leave the country more...

I feel very run down tonight. Very tired, and very sad. I really do wish I had a better relationship with them. I do love them, and I know I should try harder... but that's just it... it's really hard sometimes. For some reason, I always take the bulk of the taunting and the crap in my family, and I always seem to be the one left out. Even in family conversation. The only things we talk about are marriage and babies... guess what? I don't really relate to either right now!

I am ready to go home...

Sometimes I wonder if it would be better for me to live in America, and close to home because of them. I really do wish I had a better relationship with my parents... and being halfway around the world isn't going help at all. So, I guess just be praying for discernment, and for me to let go of some bitterness that I have. I really do what to love them better. I almost feel like the reason I distance myself from them is because I know I can never live up to their expectations, and it makes me angry because that makes me feel inadequate. I can never be Sarah or Jenny... and I don't want to be! But I think I just completely jump ship to keep myself from feeling unloved. I think the bitterness that comes with feeling like my parents don't accept me manifests itself in bitter comments, angry, tears, basically just a horde of not good ways. But really, I should but looking to God for all of this. If there is one massive thing I struggle with, it is putting my inadequacies before God and loving Him for what He has made me anyways. I don't cast my cares on Christ, and that is why my burdens feel so dang heavy sometimes... So, thanks for your prayers friends. I am not like in the pit of depression right now or anything. I am just tired of this having gone on for 22 years. I would love your prayers. Thanks, friends.

Love,
Mel