Little Children

Have you ever shared the gospel with a little kid outside of Sunday school? I did for the first time today. I babysit for a Christian couple from ECC on Thursday evenings and Friday afternoons. The kids are good... most of time, but sometimes it can be pretty intense. James spent much of the afternoon rolling in the dirt and threw a huge FIT when I made him change his clothes. He refused to go. Eventually, I turned it into a game and I drug him to his room telling him I was teaching him to surf on wooden floors... : ) He hid under the bed for a while, but after I refused to talk to him for 2 minutes, he gave up and changed his clothes happily. Kids are bipolar sometimes, haha.

When I was helping him put on his shirt, he grabbed my cross necklace and asked me what it was. I told him a cross, and I asked him if he knew what that meant. He told me no. I told him Jesus died on the cross for his sins, and I asked him, "isn't that so good!?" He got really sad looking and fell back on the ground and was like, "No! I don't want Jesus to die!" I couldn't help but smile, it was really cute. Then I explained to him, "No, James, he died so that you don't have to. He died to save you, so that you could live. Do you want to live?" James quickly shot back, "Yes! I want to live! And be like mommy and daddy!" It was precious.

I love kids so much. :) I love that when you share the gospel with them. I love their hearts. I love that it is just that simple for them. Even just the way that I shared. I would never share with someone over the age of 5 like that, but why? That's what the gospel is isn't it? That's definitely the gospel I need to hear.

Challenges from the Lord

Last night was a really incredible night. I went out with Sarah and Braden last night. We went to this college ministry bond fire for Church of the Good Shepherd (CGS). It started off a little awkward, but I had a really good time. All of the people that I met there were so on fire for God. I haven't met many people with such a passion here at IU, especially within one congregation. Sarah and I got in a conversation with a couple of the guys we met there (I guess I met, Sarah knew them), and we ended up talking for almost two hours. Their hearts were incredible! It has serious been years since I have met people who had such burning passions for God and for His Word. That's when I realized something pretty big last night. I really feel like the reason I have felt so luke warm lately, is because I am just not being challenged enough. I came home last night feeling like all I wanted to do was pray and read the Bible, and this morning I feel rejuvenated for the Lord. I miss that kind of fellowship... I really do. I need that kind of fellowship. We all do. I know that church gets a bad rep. sometimes, but their hearts are really wonderful. They may seem pretty harsh sometimes, and they can be, but their hearts really are for the Lord. They are more like the, "Repent, the kingdom is at hand," kind of people. It's refreshing though. I'm very thankful for this night : )

I have the worst flipping insomnia ever! Why is no one else up at 2 in the morning on a Thursday?! And how does everyone else know how to shut their brains off when they want to go to sleep? Mine runs for hours.... (sigh). So now I am writing resorting to talking to a blog as opposed to a real person. : P Even my friends in China aren't on Skype and it is like 2 PM for them! I am oh so very bored....

I Feel Joyful : ) Oh, So Joyful!

It's funny. These past couple months I have been in a weird place. I wasn't like depressed or anything. I just wasn't full of joy all the time. It's harder when everyone around me tends to be a little depressed too.

Today my conversation partner from last year called. She's going to be baptized on November 1st. When I first met her last year, she was an atheist. She grew up in China, so she was never raised around religion. She' SO smart. She is getting ready to start a PhD program in the fall next year. I remember having conversations with her about God, and she always seemed really scared of the idea. I haven't talked to her at all this year, but I was one of the first people she called to invite me to her baptism. : ) Praise God! I feel like my heart is going to burst open I am so happy! Just think... now she can go back to China when she graduates, and tell her family and friends, and they can tell their families and friends, and they can tell here family and friends! Do you know how many of those people probably don't know the gospel? Probably a lot!!!!!

Friends, be praying for her. It took her a long time to make this decision, but I am pretty confident she is so joyful in finally having made it! Just pray for strength and wisdom, especially for when she returns to China. Love you all! And praise God! (sigh)

Love,
Mel

Let There Be Light, Lord

I feel something coming over me right now, and I have a feeling things are about to change.

How do I forget He is so good? My Father... How do I forget how much He loves me, and how do I forget that He has a plan for me? Sin. How I can't wait to be rid of it.

"For at one time you were in darkness, but now you are in the light of the Lord. Walk as children of light." - Ephesians 5:8

I Lift My Eyes to the Hills

Sometimes I get in these stages where I am really struggling. Rarely do I let myself fall the far, because I fight my bum off to make sure that I don't get there... that has proved a little more difficult the past month especially.

For me, misery does NOT love company. I feel like most people do, but I hate it. If I am depressed, I want tons of Spirit filled people pushing me forward, telling me to trust in my Savior, and to fight because I am not worth of the grace my father has given me. I haven't really had that support lately... don't get me wrong! I am not blaming the girls! Pretty much all of my closest friends are broken as well (with the exception of the engaged ones... but they are busy in the clouds, haha). Neither of these girls are wrong. I am SO happy for the girls getting married, and I am so broken for the girls loosing heart, but it has been so draining. I feel a little more drained every day... There are about four people who over the past three years I have always felt like I could go too. One is engaged, one is married, one is in broken, and one I don't really talk to anymore... this makes things a little difficult in terms of finding friends to seek council in. I am not the most trusting individual all the time, and I rarely ask for help when I am hurting, even when I really really need it... I sorta just shut down, because a) I don't want to burden anyone or b) I am to proud to speak.

My emotions are just running wild right now. I want so SO badly to be close to my Father, but I feel like I am just being drawn farther and farther away. There are so many prayer I feel have gone unanswered, and that makes me even more angry. Not at God though. At man. At certain people. There are so many lies I have just been fed over and over. This past week in particular, and I have just had to grint my teeth, close my eyes, and refuse to hear it. It's getting harder and easier at the same time. It is easier for me to be apathetic (therefore making things harder), but it's my desire is always to be with my Father. No matter the cost. I will sacrifice anything, if only He would just tell me what to do! I know I am weak right now, but I also know God is doing it for a reason. Endurance, character and hope, because though I was still weak, Christ died for me (Romans 5). I dunno what God is doing right now, but I do feel him building up strength in my heart, and where ever he leads me... it's gonna be good.

Please, just pray the Lord makes me more and more a child, so that I will have no choice but to crawl to him. Pray for wisdom, faithfulness, and steadfastness. Pray that I wouldn't be bitter or angry at the world or anyone in it. Pray for my sisters, and for my friends who also have found themselves lost in what God's will for their life is right now. Sadly, I feel like this list is growing and growing right now. Amost everyday I hear about a new sadness that is overcoming someones life. I really feel like there is something very not good going on in Bloomington right now, so pray against that too! Please. Most of all. Pray that God's will be done in each of our lives, because he knows so much better than us what is good. Thanks brothers and sisters. Be blessed.

In the precious name of Christ,

Melissa

My Family

This weekend didn't exactly go as I would have hoped. For once, I finally missed home. I really wanted to come home, and share with my parents everything that was going on in my life. I haven't been so good about keeping them updated. Usually, I only want to stay like a day in Yorktown, and then I come back to Bloomington because I don't want to stay there any longer. This time I actually had the opportunity to leave after a day and I opted not to. I wanted to stay with my family longer... maybe not the best of all decisions. Last night my dad and I had a really good conversation, though. We talked about creation, and what I believed. I got to share with him a lot about why I have faith and about my convictions on the creation of the world. It probably encouraged me about as much as it encouraged him, haha. It's sorta been down hill since Friday night though. I think this morning set off a chain reaction or something. Maybe it was just because I am sensitive, I don't know. I few comments were made this morning (not by my parents) that made me feel really insecure and upset, and it was pretty much downhill from that point.

My relationship with my parents is crazy. I love my dad, so much, but he so does not understand me at all, haha. I told him about how I planned on teaching English overseas next year, and how I was almost 100% that that would be the case. Of course, he just smiled and laughed, telling me it was silly and changing the subject. We didn't really talk about anything of value from that point on.

Sarah came home, and we went to my moms. I immediately tried to tell my mom about my recent breakup (because I knew I had waited to long to tell her), at which point she became very passive aggressive. Sarah had already told her, and she was furious that I didn't tell her sooner. She wouldn't listen at all to what I had to say or why I waited so long to tell her. She just walked past me and said, "whatever, you don't have to tell me anything." Over and over. We got in a fun little talk about marriage (how unusual!) at dinner and engagement rings (both sarah's and my mom's old ring). My mom likes rings that stick up, so does sarah, and I added that I liked them too, but I might want a flat ring that just had small diamonds along the side when I get engaged. My mom quickly added, "well, you have to keep a man long enough before you can get married Melissa." Nice mom, ouch. If her goal was to shut me up for the rest of the night, it worked. I feel like wer are back into the stage where she is telling me I am never going to get married again (such a happy place to be). I knew she was upset that I didn't tell her about the breakup, but I wasn't trying to keep anything from her. I just wasn't ready to talk about it yet... The rest of the night was filled with short, unloving comments from both of our ends. And I do mean all night. We should never play competitive games together... I cannot hand it... I told her about Asia too, she proceeded to tell me I knew nothing about Asia or the world and I always made stupid mistakes (ex. me buying a purse illegally on accident in China), but she seemed to be ok with me leaving. Sarah told her she wanted to come with me, and my mother quickly jumped to defense, telling her that she wasn't allowed to leave. Definitely not what she said when I told her I wanted to leave the country... which sort of makes me want to leave the country more...

I feel very run down tonight. Very tired, and very sad. I really do wish I had a better relationship with them. I do love them, and I know I should try harder... but that's just it... it's really hard sometimes. For some reason, I always take the bulk of the taunting and the crap in my family, and I always seem to be the one left out. Even in family conversation. The only things we talk about are marriage and babies... guess what? I don't really relate to either right now!

I am ready to go home...

Sometimes I wonder if it would be better for me to live in America, and close to home because of them. I really do wish I had a better relationship with my parents... and being halfway around the world isn't going help at all. So, I guess just be praying for discernment, and for me to let go of some bitterness that I have. I really do what to love them better. I almost feel like the reason I distance myself from them is because I know I can never live up to their expectations, and it makes me angry because that makes me feel inadequate. I can never be Sarah or Jenny... and I don't want to be! But I think I just completely jump ship to keep myself from feeling unloved. I think the bitterness that comes with feeling like my parents don't accept me manifests itself in bitter comments, angry, tears, basically just a horde of not good ways. But really, I should but looking to God for all of this. If there is one massive thing I struggle with, it is putting my inadequacies before God and loving Him for what He has made me anyways. I don't cast my cares on Christ, and that is why my burdens feel so dang heavy sometimes... So, thanks for your prayers friends. I am not like in the pit of depression right now or anything. I am just tired of this having gone on for 22 years. I would love your prayers. Thanks, friends.

Love,
Mel

Dinosaurs... explain this one evolutionists....

YouTube - Dinosaurs and the Bible #8: Red Blood Cells

What the heck...

Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, and lean not on your own understanding...

Recently, I have been really bad about being faithful. I have not been good about praying regularly, or reading regularly, or even just loving God regularly. I really don't know what is wrong with me. It is not that I have anything that I feel is pushing me away from God right now (except for perhaps time), I don't feel angry with Him, and I want to be nearer to him. I am just not exactly sure how this is all going to work out.

I have blogged about how I feel like this might be a time God is turning His back to me, not because He doesn't love me (clearly, He gave His son for me), but because there is something He is trying to teach me. I know I need to be listening. I know, I know, I know! But I just don't! The future is approaching so quickly, but I am two busy figuring it out to sit down and listen. I just want to trust God for what is best, and stop trying to do everything on my own. No wonder I am so tired all the time! I have been carrying all my burdens on myself, instead of casting them to God, because he cares for me. It doesn't have to be this hard, but my worldly desires are really trying to manifest themselves right now.

I was reading 1 Samuel 3 today, and it really spoke to my heart. The first few chapters of Samuel are about Hannah birthing Samuel and offering him to the Lord, and about Eli and his sons. Eli's sons are evil men, even though Eli is a faithful servant, and the Lord hates their sins. Chapter 3 is about Samuel being called to by God. Samuel doesn't realize it is God until Eli tells him to call out to God and tell the Lord he is listen, speak. When Samuel finally listens to the Lord, God gives him a prophecy. He is going to kill all the descendants of Eli, because of their sins and blaspheming. The next morning, Eli asks Samuel to tell him everything he had heard from God, and to hide nothing, so Samuel tells him. Eli's response is, "It is the Lord, let him do what seems good to him." (vs.18)

Wow. God is going to kill all of his children, and he still trusts the Lord is doing what is best. I don't really have a story like that. I don't feel like God is taking anything away from me, or depriving me of anything I deserve. I just feel distant. But I know my God is faithful, and my God is good. Please be praying for me. Even in my lack of all emotion right now, I still do desired to be held by my Father. I desire to please him, to love him, to serve him, and to be near to him. I just don't know how to do that right now...

Just trust him, and be patient that what he is doing in me is good.

It is.

Love,
Mel

YouTube - Brandon Heath - Give Me Your Eyes

YouTube - Brandon Heath - Give Me Your Eyes

I was reading a blog of one of my friends from high school today, I just came across it on an old Xanga account I used to have back then. We don't really talk anymore, but his entries broke my heart. He hates his life, and he isn't afraid to tell the world just how much he despises the person he has become. His blogs even talk about how much he longs for death. I don't know who these people are, but he is always talking about 2 people who's love he has lost. He feels like he has nothing now, and never will, because of it.

So many people live their lives like this. So many people long to give in and let the pain of this world end, but I walk past them everyday never knowing. I never do anything. I know I can't save the entire would, but I can at least love them. I wish I could see people the way God sees them. I wish my heart broke for them the same way, and longed for them the same way. I wish that I could love people enough to always be prepared, in season and out, to share the only hope there is in life, the gospel. But I don't... I'm not... and it breaks my heart that my heart is not always breaking! It's a vicious cycle.

Today... yay God!

Some pictures from the game tonight/comedy club a few weeks ago


Heather-bear, Kiki, and I at the game. Love them : )

Kristi and I after we got back from the Comedy Club. Isn't Kiki so purdy?

This guy was also no photographer...

TODAY
I went into Brown County today with my roommate. It was wonderful! I have never been there before. We went to all of these little shops with a ton of little trinkets and fun things. Kristi and I decided it would be like a perfect date place to just walk around and talk. There are a ton of little ice cream shops and coffee houses too. They had blueberry tea, my FAVORITE! There are so few coffee places (or even stores) that sell blueberry tea! SO EXCITING! We actually only ended up buying some candles, but still really fun.

We went to a game tonight too. It has been a really long time since I have been to a game. Freshman year actually, but that was really fun too. I am definitely going to have to make it back out to another game before the year is out. I can't believe school is almost over for me. It's crazy!

It's was sort of a funny day. I had an epiphany while I was in Brown County. Usually, I am all about being done with school. The homework thing and the class thing, not my strongest passion, not gonna lie. But lately, I have been really scared. There has been a lot of fear holding me back. But as I was walking around, I got really excited. I still have no idea what kind of thing I will be doing when I graduate, or where I will be, or who I will be doing it with, but I know it is going to be an adventure! I am excited to start a new stage of life, and become an adult. Plus, I think it will be super fun to buy little trinkets from shops for my house.... and cute Christmas aprons (Elisabeth, don't judge me). The weird part is, although I am excited, I love where God has put me right now. That's pretty unusual for me. Usually, I am anticipating my future soooo much that I forget about my present. I love IU. I love my friends. I love the fall (though it mean the horrendously terrible winter is coming). I even love this country (shocking, I know)! I love the life that God has given me, and the way He is growing in me. I need to be living the way He wants me to be living, and I am finally willing to sacrifice anything to become the woman He desires me to be. I've always had something I wouldn't let go off, but I think I am finally willing. I know I have a long way to go, and I know I will have so many valleys to deal with in my life, but right now I think it's just time to wait and see and to enjoy the love my Father is so graciously lavishing upon me. Waiting and seeing... not something I generally love doing, but for some reason, I actually really want to! I want to just sit, close my eyes, and wait to see what the future holds. In the mean time, I want to do great things right where I am.

Weirdly enough, I am not on a spiritual high at all right now. As a matter of fact, I feel strangely emotionless a lot of the time, but I have joy. I can see God in so many things, but I think God is demanding my faithfulness despite the lack of tingly Spirt highs. He is doing these things because He loves me, and I am learning so much.

I feel like I have a new dream even every few nights. I don't know how many of you are into dream interpretation, but I really think they mean something. Every few nights I have a dream the reveals to my heart another insecurity I need to hand to the Lord, or another battle that needs to be fought. Apart from God I can do nothing, but the Joy of the Lord is my strength and I can do nothing apart from Him. Even more so, through this, I feel He is drawing me nearer to Him.

Grace and peace, brother and sisters.

Love,
Mel

Random Reflections

What a weird day. Maybe it is because I am so tried. It all seems to have blurred together. I feel like today almost never really began. Weird feeling, and I don't really like it.

You ever get in those moods when nothing seems to affect you? I think that is the best way to describe my day... I felt very emotionless... maybe that is because I am usually SO emotional, but I wasn't. I have just been really content with the way things are. I am just praying it is more me relying on God so I don't need to be super emotional, and not me shutting down. Time will tell!

I am going to Brown County tomorrow with my roomie and I am SO excited! I am going to the football tomorrow too. Not so excited about that, but it is about time. I am a Hoosier! I should care! I just don't really, haha. Kristi really wanted to go though, and I should, so I am going to!

Ok, now I am tired. BE BLESSED!

Love,
Mel