Sometimes I get in these stages where I am really struggling. Rarely do I let myself fall the far, because I fight my bum off to make sure that I don't get there... that has proved a little more difficult the past month especially.
For me, misery does NOT love company. I feel like most people do, but I hate it. If I am depressed, I want tons of Spirit filled people pushing me forward, telling me to trust in my Savior, and to fight because I am not worth of the grace my father has given me. I haven't really had that support lately... don't get me wrong! I am not blaming the girls! Pretty much all of my closest friends are broken as well (with the exception of the engaged ones... but they are busy in the clouds, haha). Neither of these girls are wrong. I am SO happy for the girls getting married, and I am so broken for the girls loosing heart, but it has been so draining. I feel a little more drained every day... There are about four people who over the past three years I have always felt like I could go too. One is engaged, one is married, one is in broken, and one I don't really talk to anymore... this makes things a little difficult in terms of finding friends to seek council in. I am not the most trusting individual all the time, and I rarely ask for help when I am hurting, even when I really really need it... I sorta just shut down, because a) I don't want to burden anyone or b) I am to proud to speak.
My emotions are just running wild right now. I want so SO badly to be close to my Father, but I feel like I am just being drawn farther and farther away. There are so many prayer I feel have gone unanswered, and that makes me even more angry. Not at God though. At man. At certain people. There are so many lies I have just been fed over and over. This past week in particular, and I have just had to grint my teeth, close my eyes, and refuse to hear it. It's getting harder and easier at the same time. It is easier for me to be apathetic (therefore making things harder), but it's my desire is always to be with my Father. No matter the cost. I will sacrifice anything, if only He would just tell me what to do! I know I am weak right now, but I also know God is doing it for a reason. Endurance, character and hope, because though I was still weak, Christ died for me (Romans 5). I dunno what God is doing right now, but I do feel him building up strength in my heart, and where ever he leads me... it's gonna be good.
Please, just pray the Lord makes me more and more a child, so that I will have no choice but to crawl to him. Pray for wisdom, faithfulness, and steadfastness. Pray that I wouldn't be bitter or angry at the world or anyone in it. Pray for my sisters, and for my friends who also have found themselves lost in what God's will for their life is right now. Sadly, I feel like this list is growing and growing right now. Amost everyday I hear about a new sadness that is overcoming someones life. I really feel like there is something very not good going on in Bloomington right now, so pray against that too! Please. Most of all. Pray that God's will be done in each of our lives, because he knows so much better than us what is good. Thanks brothers and sisters. Be blessed.
In the precious name of Christ,
Melissa
For me, misery does NOT love company. I feel like most people do, but I hate it. If I am depressed, I want tons of Spirit filled people pushing me forward, telling me to trust in my Savior, and to fight because I am not worth of the grace my father has given me. I haven't really had that support lately... don't get me wrong! I am not blaming the girls! Pretty much all of my closest friends are broken as well (with the exception of the engaged ones... but they are busy in the clouds, haha). Neither of these girls are wrong. I am SO happy for the girls getting married, and I am so broken for the girls loosing heart, but it has been so draining. I feel a little more drained every day... There are about four people who over the past three years I have always felt like I could go too. One is engaged, one is married, one is in broken, and one I don't really talk to anymore... this makes things a little difficult in terms of finding friends to seek council in. I am not the most trusting individual all the time, and I rarely ask for help when I am hurting, even when I really really need it... I sorta just shut down, because a) I don't want to burden anyone or b) I am to proud to speak.
My emotions are just running wild right now. I want so SO badly to be close to my Father, but I feel like I am just being drawn farther and farther away. There are so many prayer I feel have gone unanswered, and that makes me even more angry. Not at God though. At man. At certain people. There are so many lies I have just been fed over and over. This past week in particular, and I have just had to grint my teeth, close my eyes, and refuse to hear it. It's getting harder and easier at the same time. It is easier for me to be apathetic (therefore making things harder), but it's my desire is always to be with my Father. No matter the cost. I will sacrifice anything, if only He would just tell me what to do! I know I am weak right now, but I also know God is doing it for a reason. Endurance, character and hope, because though I was still weak, Christ died for me (Romans 5). I dunno what God is doing right now, but I do feel him building up strength in my heart, and where ever he leads me... it's gonna be good.
Please, just pray the Lord makes me more and more a child, so that I will have no choice but to crawl to him. Pray for wisdom, faithfulness, and steadfastness. Pray that I wouldn't be bitter or angry at the world or anyone in it. Pray for my sisters, and for my friends who also have found themselves lost in what God's will for their life is right now. Sadly, I feel like this list is growing and growing right now. Amost everyday I hear about a new sadness that is overcoming someones life. I really feel like there is something very not good going on in Bloomington right now, so pray against that too! Please. Most of all. Pray that God's will be done in each of our lives, because he knows so much better than us what is good. Thanks brothers and sisters. Be blessed.
In the precious name of Christ,
Melissa
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