Do you ever feel like you wish you could leave everything you have ever known and start over again? I do. Let me elaborate. When I am scared, or when I am hurt, my tendency is to shut down from everything, even from my own heart. I can't connect with it, and I can't understand it. It's a battle to open up the gates again, and not just to others, but even to myself.
I've been back and for recently. I feel so at peace sometimes, and so closed up sometimes. Right now, I just want to leave. I want to pack a bag, move to the other side of the country (or the world), and start over. Start over in a place where no one knows me, and no one has any preconceived notions of who I am, or what I should be. If they don't have any preconceived notions about how I should act, how could I fail them? How could I be inadequate? My roommate and I can both get like this. The thing is... it wouldn't be hard for either of us. We know we could do it, and we could do it with ease. Sometimes we think it is a blessing the we can feel like this, sometimes a curse. Not tell a single person, not a single friend, boyfriend, even family member in the world we were leaving. Just abandon everything, and start over... because it's easier to forget than fight...
I know this is wrong, and I know it's a lie. It is selfish, and I am living in fear. And don't get me wrong, I love my friends and family more than anything. It's my fear. That is why I am confessing it, because I really do feel it deeply. I know I have learned so much over the past few years, and I know that I have had to struggle like this through a lot of it. I know God is calling me to fight now, and fight hard... but I just don't want to anymore. Please be praying guys. I am not a very strong person, but "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." I know it is true, I am just really struggling with believing it right now I've been fighting a winning battle most of the semester, but I am afraid it is taking a turn... I can't let it. I won't. I feel so drained, and so weak, but there is no reason I should have no strength. The strength is not my own, so it should never diminish.
So, that is how I feel right now. Again, please be praying for me and my roommate. We need it.
Be blessed.
Melissa
PS. Side note. I left midway through this message to pick up my roommate (the struggling one), her car was broken down. She had already had a really hard day, so I went to get her. On our way home... my car broke down... so we waited until someone helped me get it off Union St, then picked a THIRD person to come pick us up after making a copious amount of calls. I am now finally home, and I have found yet another reason to wallow in self pity. Please, pray.
I've been back and for recently. I feel so at peace sometimes, and so closed up sometimes. Right now, I just want to leave. I want to pack a bag, move to the other side of the country (or the world), and start over. Start over in a place where no one knows me, and no one has any preconceived notions of who I am, or what I should be. If they don't have any preconceived notions about how I should act, how could I fail them? How could I be inadequate? My roommate and I can both get like this. The thing is... it wouldn't be hard for either of us. We know we could do it, and we could do it with ease. Sometimes we think it is a blessing the we can feel like this, sometimes a curse. Not tell a single person, not a single friend, boyfriend, even family member in the world we were leaving. Just abandon everything, and start over... because it's easier to forget than fight...
I know this is wrong, and I know it's a lie. It is selfish, and I am living in fear. And don't get me wrong, I love my friends and family more than anything. It's my fear. That is why I am confessing it, because I really do feel it deeply. I know I have learned so much over the past few years, and I know that I have had to struggle like this through a lot of it. I know God is calling me to fight now, and fight hard... but I just don't want to anymore. Please be praying guys. I am not a very strong person, but "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." I know it is true, I am just really struggling with believing it right now I've been fighting a winning battle most of the semester, but I am afraid it is taking a turn... I can't let it. I won't. I feel so drained, and so weak, but there is no reason I should have no strength. The strength is not my own, so it should never diminish.
So, that is how I feel right now. Again, please be praying for me and my roommate. We need it.
Be blessed.
Melissa
PS. Side note. I left midway through this message to pick up my roommate (the struggling one), her car was broken down. She had already had a really hard day, so I went to get her. On our way home... my car broke down... so we waited until someone helped me get it off Union St, then picked a THIRD person to come pick us up after making a copious amount of calls. I am now finally home, and I have found yet another reason to wallow in self pity. Please, pray.
0 comments:
Post a Comment