Jeremiah 17:5-10

I am clearly not a very good blogger, I’ve only done it like three times in a year, but recently have had more of a desire to do it. These past few days I have been struggling a little bit to understand God's will. What is God's will? How can we know God's will? And if so, what if I am too afraid to actually do what it is God is willing me to do? What if I don't want to do it? ...I've been afraid... and I have been disobedient. My heart is very deceitful, and I have run from what the Lord has been calling me to do. Brothers and sisters, I think this is the first time in my life I have ever desired the intimacy with God that I desire now. I want to be alone all the time, I want to pray all the time, I want to listen all the time, and I want to read His word all the time... It's only been three days, but I feel like I have grown more in my understand of God's will for me in the past three days than I did the entire summer.

This summer broke me because of the faithlessness. I put no hope in God. I wanted to. Oh, I wanted to so badly, but it was almost like I had forgotten how. I started just going with the motions. I knew I was struggling, but I didn't know how to make it better. But then something happened a few days ago that took my from my arbitrary wandering, and finally knocked me to my knees. Praise God for that! I needed it desperately. I needed a reason to put my hope in God again. I needed a reason to feel like all I could do was pray, and pray, and pray.

Today, I was in my sisters room praying, and doing my best to listen for God’s voice. He told me how much loved me and how much he wanted to be with me. I struggle a lot with feelings of never being good enough, but when those thoughts came to my mind I just heard the Lord asking, “Did I not make you?” “Did I not make you exactly as I meant to? With a Purpose? With a heart? Set apart for great things?”- Yes, Lord, you did… Then I felt Him telling me to open a Bible, and there just so happened to be one right beside me that I had not noticed. : ) When I opened the bible, it was Jeremiah 17:5-10 that drew my eye in. It was the first thing I read. The only thing I read.

5Thus says the LORD,

"Cursed is the man who trusts in mankind

And makes flesh his strength,

And whose heart turns away from the LORD.

6"For he will be like a bush in the desert

And will not see when prosperity comes,

But will live in stony wastes in the wilderness,

A land of salt without inhabitant.

7"Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD

And whose trust is the LORD.

8"For he will be like a tree planted by the water,

That extends its roots by a stream

And will not fear when the heat comes;

But its leaves will be green,

And it will not be anxious in a year of drought

Nor cease to yield fruit.

9The heart is more deceitful than all else

And is desperately sick;

Who can understand it?

10"I, the LORD, search the heart,

I test the mind,

Even to give to each man according to his ways,

According to the results of his deeds.

Let the Lord search your hearts. What are you keeping from Him? Your life? I was. I was questioning everything. Even the calling I know the Lord has placed on my life since I was 14 years old. God commands ever day of my life, and He commands it all… because He gave it all. Anything less than everything isn’t quite enough… So that is what the Lord is teaching me right now.

I know the Lord has put a call on my life as a missionary. I’ve tried to escape it a few times… including this summer, but he never lets me. I return to this spot again and He asks me, “What will you give up to fill my will? Everything? Your friends? Your family? A husband to serve with you?” I pray that when the time comes, I can answer yes to all of those questions if it is the will of my God... I just keep reminding myself. He commands everything.

He deserves everything.

Grace and peace be with you all.