Today, I looked back at the time I spent in China to try to understand why I am so... discontent, now that I am back in America. What I saw was pretty amazing.
I closed my eyes and the vision of China flooded in. I can still see all of their faces. Stella, Freya, Yume, Grace, Summer, Cathy, Hova, Lucas, Alex, Future... all of them, one by one I look over their faces... and I look into their eyes. Their eyes tell you so much. I felt like I was looking into the pits of their hearts when I would talk to them. My heart broke everyday there, knowing that millions and millions of the people there were falling asleep every night without the hope of the gospel that Christ gives to each an every one of us. When I met a non-believer, nothing else mattered to me. It didn't matter if they were cruel. It didn't matter if they were unattractive. Hanging out with my teammates didn't matter. Finding the man I am supposed to marry didn't matter. The gospel. That mattered. That is a vision I won't ever forget. I felt bold and I felt fearless. How I long so badly to be back.
If I look into the eyes of the people here... They look empty. I am so scared of the people here. I can't do it the same way. I don't see them the same way. When I am here, I feel like I am visiting a foreign land and I am waiting impatiently to return home to my family. I recognize this is sin. I have blocked myself from being able to see the vision God has for me here. I pray God can change my heart and I pray God will force me out of my comfort zone. Praise God for His endless grace.
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