The Discipline of My Father

Today has been a pretty good day for me. I have struggled a lot recently. I have had a lot of ups and downs. Some days I trust in the Lord with all of my heart, I hand my struggles to Him, and I fight like crazy to remain by His side. Other days, I just give up. I wine, and cry, I do nothing to prevent or fight the struggle. I'm not being hard on myself. I know that not everyone can always be super strong willed, and always trust that God's plan is the right plan. I have even resorted to getting angry with people I don't even know on my bad days. I was mad a Elisabeth Elliot yesterday actually... yea... how rediculous is that? I don't even want to explain why.

I just want to start this entry by saying that I have no idea if I am right, this is just something that I have been thinking about. Today I came across a passaged that sort of hit me really hard from the book of Isaiah. My friend, Mike O, sent me another passage from the new testiment that says relitively the same thing... and it really got my mind churning.

"For your maker is your husband,
the Lord of hosts is his name;
and the Holy One of Isreal is your Redeemer,
the God of the whole earth he is called.
For th eLord has called you like a wife deserted and grieved in spirit,
like a wife of youth when she is cast off,
says your God.
For a brief moment I deserted you,
and with great compassion I will gather you.
In overfollowing anger for a moment
I hid my face from you,
but with everlasting love I will have compassion on you,"
Says the Lord, your redeemer." ~ Isaiah 54:5-8

AND

"'My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord,
nor be weary when reproved by Him.
For the Lord disciplines the ones He loves,
and chastises every son whom he recieves.'

It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treated you as sons. For what son is there whom this father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitmate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers whoe disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of the spirits and live? For they disciplined us for our short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. For a moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peacefrut of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. Therefore lift up your drooping hands and strngthen your weak knees, and make stait the path of your feet so that what is lame may not put out the join but rather be healed" ~ Hebrews 12:3-12. Amen.

I started thinking about the discipline of the Lord, and I put these two passages together. God loves me, I know that, but what if God uses turning his face from me for my good? What a concept. I started thinking to myself, why would God ever do that?! Why would he abandom me if he loves me... But, really, I grow the most when I have to trust that God is there dispite the fact that I feel as though he has turned his face from me. I know this is going to be a substantial time of growth for me. Over the past 9 months, God has really just been breaking down my pride and teaching me to love people. He has taught me so much more about what it means to have a gentle and quiet spirit. He used a good friend to help me a lot with that too. But now that I am struggling, I feel like I am learning even more so what that means.

I don't know what the discipline of God looks like, but I know I am in it now. God is trying to teach me, so I need to pick up my stupid drooping hands and lift them to the Lord of lords. God is making me the woman he wants to be. Full of passion and love for people, and full of ways to be blessed beyond measure.

I am afraid right now. I have no idea what to do about anything. I'm afraid of what the future holds. I am afraid of loneliness. I am afraid of failure. I fear many things, but the Lord is with me. I will lift my eyes unto the hills, because my help comes from the Lord alone (Psalm 121:1-2). Thank you for your prayers everyone. They have helped immensly. Praise the Lord!!!!

Lots of love.

Hugs,
Mel

Chinese Characters

This is something pretty cool! Take a look!

www.wbschool.org/Chinese.swf

Ready to Run

Do you ever feel like you wish you could leave everything you have ever known and start over again? I do. Let me elaborate. When I am scared, or when I am hurt, my tendency is to shut down from everything, even from my own heart. I can't connect with it, and I can't understand it. It's a battle to open up the gates again, and not just to others, but even to myself.

I've been back and for recently. I feel so at peace sometimes, and so closed up sometimes. Right now, I just want to leave. I want to pack a bag, move to the other side of the country (or the world), and start over. Start over in a place where no one knows me, and no one has any preconceived notions of who I am, or what I should be. If they don't have any preconceived notions about how I should act, how could I fail them? How could I be inadequate? My roommate and I can both get like this. The thing is... it wouldn't be hard for either of us. We know we could do it, and we could do it with ease. Sometimes we think it is a blessing the we can feel like this, sometimes a curse. Not tell a single person, not a single friend, boyfriend, even family member in the world we were leaving. Just abandon everything, and start over... because it's easier to forget than fight...

I know this is wrong, and I know it's a lie. It is selfish, and I am living in fear. And don't get me wrong, I love my friends and family more than anything. It's my fear. That is why I am confessing it, because I really do feel it deeply. I know I have learned so much over the past few years, and I know that I have had to struggle like this through a lot of it. I know God is calling me to fight now, and fight hard... but I just don't want to anymore. Please be praying guys. I am not a very strong person, but "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." I know it is true, I am just really struggling with believing it right now I've been fighting a winning battle most of the semester, but I am afraid it is taking a turn... I can't let it. I won't. I feel so drained, and so weak, but there is no reason I should have no strength. The strength is not my own, so it should never diminish.

So, that is how I feel right now. Again, please be praying for me and my roommate. We need it.

Be blessed.

Melissa

PS. Side note. I left midway through this message to pick up my roommate (the struggling one), her car was broken down. She had already had a really hard day, so I went to get her. On our way home... my car broke down... so we waited until someone helped me get it off Union St, then picked a THIRD person to come pick us up after making a copious amount of calls. I am now finally home, and I have found yet another reason to wallow in self pity. Please, pray.

Like a Child

I have felt a little bit funny this whole semester. I have had this ongoing battle of devotion and apathy. It's been pretty horrible. Some days, I am SO on fire for the Lord. Other days, I feel like I am battling whether or not I even believe. I think that is the worst feeling in all the world. It isn't a fearful feeling to me. I am not afraid of death, at least not really. It's a feeling of total and utter emptiness. Why? There are two reason.

1) Laziness. It is so much easier to sit around feeling sorry for myself and for my struggles than it is to actually confront the situation and choose to have faith despite the struggle. "Be strong in the Lord and in his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you might be able to stand against the schemes of the devil." (Ephesians 6:10-11 ESV) I so rarely use this armor. I it on my bed and pray, but I am so seldom ready for battle. A warrior should have no fear, for he serves the king and knows that his cause is noble. After all, imagine the armor of God? How glorious and perfect is it? All I need to do it put it on. I need to recognize it ever day. "Our battles are not against flesh and blood, but against rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness and spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places." (vs. 12) So what is our armor? How do I use it? Along side the only weapon we have. The Sword of the spirit. The Word of the Living God.

The Belt of Truth: "For I am the Lord your God the Holy One of Israel, your Savior... Before me there was no god formed, nor will there be after me. I am the Lord, and besides me there is no savior." (Isaiah 43:3&11) AND "The fool says in his heart, "There is no God." (Psalm 14:1)

The Breastplate of Righteousness: "Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and these things will be added to you." (Matthew 6:33) Just believe. "And he believed the Lord, and he counted it to him as righteousness." (Genesis 15:6)

The Shoes of Readiness and the Gospel of Peace: How can you run a race without shoes? :) "Let us run with endurance the race that has been set before us" (Hebrews 12:1) Be ready. "Preach the Word; be ready in season and out of season; reprove, rebuke, and exhort, with complete patience and teaching. For a time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves to suit their own passions." (2 Timothy 4:2,3)

The Shield of Faith: "Faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we don't see." (Hebrews 11:1 NIV) What the heck, just read all Hebrews 11! - This is so "we can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one." (Ephesians 6:16)

The Helmet of Salvation: "If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord, and believe in your heart the God raised him from the dead, you will be saved." (Romans 10:9). And we have assurance of salvation. "Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promise of the Holy Spirt, who is a deposit guaranteeing your inheritance unto the redemption of those who are God's possession." (Ephesians 1:13)

And The Sword of the Spirit: "For the Word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of the soul and spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart." (Hebrews 4:12) SWEET.

We are also called to pray in the Spirit at all times, with all prayer and supplication. "To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints"

Wooh, that was a mouthful to talk about laziness. Moving on:


2) I can be this way because Satan knows just how to get us here at IU. Knowledge. Whoever thought knowledge wasn't always a good thing? I read a verse today in Isaiah that really hit me:

"Your wisdom and your knowledge led you astray,
and you said in your heart,
'I am, there is no other besides me.'" (Isaiah 47:10 ESV)

That is so me sometimes... Academia... ya, not so approving of the God thing. Often professors ever label the Bible as a "fable" or "tall tale" in many classes. Christ is a huge part of history, but definitely not the savior of the World. That would be foolishness in academia. Don't get my wrong. I am not saying at all the knowledge is always bad! It is a wonderful blessing, but it has some definite drawbacks. Solomon says, "For in much wisdom is much vexation, and he who increases in knowledge, increases in sorrow." (Ecclesiastes 1:18) The more we learn about the world, often times, the less we trust the God created it. Evolution and the Bible don't match up. Sorry, friends. I listen to what all these incredibly intelligent people say and I question what I have seen with my own eyes. The miracles of my God. I fear man, but "what can man do to me?" (Heb 13:6) I have the Lord.

That why God calls us to come one way, and one way only. As children.

"Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like a child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven." (Matthew 18:3,4 ESV)

Stop over thinking everything! Trust in the Lord! Use His precious and inerrant Word, use his Holy Spirit that he has sealed you with, "trust in the Lord with all of your heart, and lean not on your own understanding!" Trust God to provide. Step out in faith so God can provide, and your faith will be built up as well. Praise God. :) Be calm. Have peace. If you do these things. I promise you will see God if you persevere, and I do not promise things lightly anymore...

Be blessed, brothers and sisters!

His,
Melissa

PS. Don't think I am so cool cause I know all these scriptures. I couldn't remember where 90% of them were, haha. : )

Book

I think I am going to write a book again. : ) Not because I am a great writer, or because I am an excellent editor (as I am sure you can all see), but because I love it, and because I need a way to get all the passion inside my body out someway. Sometimes I feel like I have so many emotions inside of me that I might, quite literal, explode. It's a wonderful, yet very stressful feeling. I praise God that I have so much passion... sometimes I just don't know what to do with it all!

Anyone else have that problem?

Song

So I wrote this song a long time ago. It sorta looks like a poem too so I thought I would share it. I feel like it is one of the ways for me to discribe how I feel when I have sort of walked away from God's will. Aka, when I don't feel God.

I don't feel like I have walked away from God or anything, but I do feel like this song really discribes the process I always go through when I am struggling. It is probably better when I sing it.... but then again, maybe not : P Here it is anyone. Maybe it will bless you all the same way it blesses me when I sing it! : )

Here am I

Lord, what have I forgotten?
Lord, where has my heart flown?
I've abandon you who saved me.
Now I stand here... alone.

I've made it seem so perfect.
The life I play each day.
But deep down inside, my sins provide
the shackels and the chains.

Which bind my heart to hatred,
and makes me cling to fear.
To hide deep within the darkness
wishing I would disappear.

Lord, won't please walk beside me.
Oh, again Lord, I've lost my way.
And I know you can provid me
a joy you'll never take away.

Oh, create in me a new heart
Pure and white as snow
and now within my own heart
I would never choose to go.

Oh, sovereign God of Jacob
you've washed this sins that cloth
Your arms stay wrapped around me.
I am forever, forever home.

Father, show me how to please you.
Let me serve you all my days.
I never could have asked for
the light you gave to show the way.

And as I close my eyes I see you
I see you nailed upon the cross.
You died so truth could shine through
To show this gain is but my loss

You've asked, "Whom shall I send now?"
Father, this is my reply.
"Here I am, my Savior."
Send me... Let me try.

Daddy... here am I.

It's not very long for a song, and it is all in minor key (those of you who know probably think I am a little gothic since it is the only key I really write it, haha), but it's from my heart. Hope you like it.

Jeremiah 17:5-10

I am clearly not a very good blogger, I’ve only done it like three times in a year, but recently have had more of a desire to do it. These past few days I have been struggling a little bit to understand God's will. What is God's will? How can we know God's will? And if so, what if I am too afraid to actually do what it is God is willing me to do? What if I don't want to do it? ...I've been afraid... and I have been disobedient. My heart is very deceitful, and I have run from what the Lord has been calling me to do. Brothers and sisters, I think this is the first time in my life I have ever desired the intimacy with God that I desire now. I want to be alone all the time, I want to pray all the time, I want to listen all the time, and I want to read His word all the time... It's only been three days, but I feel like I have grown more in my understand of God's will for me in the past three days than I did the entire summer.

This summer broke me because of the faithlessness. I put no hope in God. I wanted to. Oh, I wanted to so badly, but it was almost like I had forgotten how. I started just going with the motions. I knew I was struggling, but I didn't know how to make it better. But then something happened a few days ago that took my from my arbitrary wandering, and finally knocked me to my knees. Praise God for that! I needed it desperately. I needed a reason to put my hope in God again. I needed a reason to feel like all I could do was pray, and pray, and pray.

Today, I was in my sisters room praying, and doing my best to listen for God’s voice. He told me how much loved me and how much he wanted to be with me. I struggle a lot with feelings of never being good enough, but when those thoughts came to my mind I just heard the Lord asking, “Did I not make you?” “Did I not make you exactly as I meant to? With a Purpose? With a heart? Set apart for great things?”- Yes, Lord, you did… Then I felt Him telling me to open a Bible, and there just so happened to be one right beside me that I had not noticed. : ) When I opened the bible, it was Jeremiah 17:5-10 that drew my eye in. It was the first thing I read. The only thing I read.

5Thus says the LORD,

"Cursed is the man who trusts in mankind

And makes flesh his strength,

And whose heart turns away from the LORD.

6"For he will be like a bush in the desert

And will not see when prosperity comes,

But will live in stony wastes in the wilderness,

A land of salt without inhabitant.

7"Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD

And whose trust is the LORD.

8"For he will be like a tree planted by the water,

That extends its roots by a stream

And will not fear when the heat comes;

But its leaves will be green,

And it will not be anxious in a year of drought

Nor cease to yield fruit.

9The heart is more deceitful than all else

And is desperately sick;

Who can understand it?

10"I, the LORD, search the heart,

I test the mind,

Even to give to each man according to his ways,

According to the results of his deeds.

Let the Lord search your hearts. What are you keeping from Him? Your life? I was. I was questioning everything. Even the calling I know the Lord has placed on my life since I was 14 years old. God commands ever day of my life, and He commands it all… because He gave it all. Anything less than everything isn’t quite enough… So that is what the Lord is teaching me right now.

I know the Lord has put a call on my life as a missionary. I’ve tried to escape it a few times… including this summer, but he never lets me. I return to this spot again and He asks me, “What will you give up to fill my will? Everything? Your friends? Your family? A husband to serve with you?” I pray that when the time comes, I can answer yes to all of those questions if it is the will of my God... I just keep reminding myself. He commands everything.

He deserves everything.

Grace and peace be with you all.